I'm going shopping!

Yes...folks...I am going to break out of my hard-core-won't-let-me-have-fun- budget and go shopping.

Wanna know why?

I'll tell you why!

I GOT THE JOB!

Whoot Whoot!

Go me!

I'm so very excited...I can breathe a sigh of relief that we won't be destitute (being dramatic) when The Husband gets home and we are a single income family again.

The Doctor is super nice and seems to be very reasonable about taking time off on occasion because I will need to get things done.

Plus, she was more than understanding about me wanting to take time off when The Husband gets home.

I'm stoked.

Super dooper stoked.

So instead of studying for the EKG chapter test tomorrow, I've been browsing uniform websites for my new fancy dancy uniforms that I will get to wear to work rather than my school greens.

Hooray!

The Call

My phone started buzzing in the middle of Class today.

Right after the Instructor gave us a lecture on Lab Safety.

This is right after Quirky (who is back by the way) managed to prick herself with a venipuncture needle for the second time in two days.

The Instructor has banned her from The Lab for a week for her to go through more instruction before being allowed near needles again.

But that is a whole other story.

Anywhoo...

Back to my story.

The cell phone started buzzing.

I checked to make sure it wasn't Preschool.

It wasn't.

It wasn't even a number I recognized.

So I let it go to Voice Mail...

When I checked it...It was a Doctor.

One that I had sent a resume to over the summer when I was desperately seeking a career change before classes started.

She wants to speak with me about working part time and handling some clerical work in her office.

Holy Shit Batman!

Hell yeah!

I mean...I love having all this spare time.

IF get this job, I will be able to keep my Housekeeper.

Oh please please please.

I called back after classes were done and she and I chatted.

One...she's wanting me to do menial work.

I can handle that.

Two...she's wanting to pay me literally TWICE what I was expecting.

Oh hell yes!

Three...she's very concerned that I am not going to be interested.

I'm sorry...where did you miss the OH HELL YES!??

Four...she's willing to work around my school hours and my childcare issues.

Oh FUCK YES!

So I texted my Old Boss to give her a heads up that she may have a reference check coming.

Old Boss replied.

Reference check has already been done.

O.M.G!

Old Boss gave glowing recommendation and then gave me some insight into what Doctor wants. 

I'm so excited for this interview...but I also haven't interviewed in YEARS!

I tend to talk too much...I know...shocking as hell huh?

But I've learned to be Super Quiet in class...so I'll just use that tactic.

Yeah...I'll be quiet...Super Quiet.

And draw my little part time paycheck...AND keep my Housekeeper!

Whoot!

Holding it in...

Kiddo has decided to not Poop at School.

Ain't happening.

He isn't gonna.

He's gonna hold it until he gets home.

Come Hell or High Water...

Why???

Because he hasn't mastered the art of Butt Wiping.

He's four...some of the finer mechanical hygenic duties are not quite perfected.

So every day...as soon as we get home...he has to go Poop.

Right now...

I've got a Home Only Pooper on my hands.

This has presented a small problem...he's had 'slips' at school...otherwise known as Sharts...and he's had to change clothes.

I've explained, "Please Poop At School...the Teachers will help you"

He's replied "But I don't know how to wipe my butt.  I am the only boy that doesn't know how to wipe his butt"

Now, as to whether this is true or not...I have no idea.

I'm not sure if they are hanging out around the Legos discussing their ability to Wipe Their Own Butt or not.

I've met some of the boys in his class...my bet is that he is not the only Non Wiper.

So for two weeks we have worked hard on Butt Wiping.

I even bribed him with a new train.

Again...bribery gives him a reason to focus.

And we have FOCUSED hard on this task.

After showing him the finer points of getting the perfect wad of toilet paper...

To the trick of 'getting in there' to get everything clean...

Also...the checking of the TP to make sure you don't need to 'get in there again'...

I think we have achieved Beginner Butt Wiper Status.

He is still refusing to Poop at School.

Even though he can Wipe His Own Butt now...

Really...

He's stubborn like that.

Awesome.

Dear Lawn Contractor Leaf Remover Dudes

Never freaking mind you bunch of lazy jerk faces.

I mean it.

I've called no less than seven Lawn Service companies.

I have a problem.

I have half an acre of heavy coverage oak leaves. 

With more of those fuckers falling.

Not just a quick  Clean Out My Flower Beds kind of job.

I have a Bring Your Big Ass Equipment Cause This is Gonna Take a While job.

And no one apparently wants to make a couple of hundred dollars.

Oh fucking well.

One company...after they advertised in our local newspaper, informed me I was five miles out of his radius and he would have to charge me a service fee.  This is before Dumbass bothered to do a drive by estimate.  Uhm...I think he would have waived his service fee after he saw it. 

Honestly...I win in the neighborhood for leaf coverage.  If there was a contest...I'd win.  I've never seen so many leaves...but I do love that shade in the summer.

Two companies...well, let's say this...if you have your PHONE NUMBER listed on your WEBSITE...then FUCKING ANSWER it with your company name other than 'Yeah!'   You didn't show up either...and I don't think one of you was writing anything down.

The other four...I left you messages DAYS ago.  Never heard back. 

NEVER FUCKING MIND.

I had this same problem with finding a Housekeeper. 

I also had the same problem with locating a contractor to asphalt my 85 foot long driveway.  

Then there was the tree removal a few years ago. 

Shit people.

I'll figure it out on my own.  I've taken care of it before...I can handle it again. 

Hell, I'll rent the zero turn mower chopper shredder mulcher thing that we rented last year and just do it my own DAMN self.

As Pretty Woman once said 'Big Mistake. BIG Mistake'

So proud

Each year, The Husband and I really enjoy buying gifts for Toys for Tots. 

When I was working, The Coworkers all agreed to bring in a present for Toys for Tots rather than buying mugs for each other...again.  It worked wonderfully!

Even SIL (Sister In Law) and her Husband have gotten in on the act, much to The Mother In Law's disappointment.  SIL and I do not buy gifts for each other...just a little something for the kids.  Mother In Law wants us to OPEN PRESENTS.  She cannot stand that we do not buy for each other.

I'm sorry...the last thing I need is another set of towels...and SIL agrees.

So we just ignore Mother In Law.

Last year she tried to undermine and told me that SIL was buying us something and told SIL that we were buying something. 

Funny...SIL and I talk on a weekly basis.  We figured the trick out fairly quickly.

But back to the story...

This year, since The Husband is currently unavailable...Kiddo and I went shopping.

Now...here's the trick.

Try to explain to a Four Year Old Kiddo that Santa cannot bring all the toys that a child asks for.  That Mommies and Daddies sometimes would like to buy their Kiddos presents, but have no money.

I'm not sure how much of my explanation sunk in, but we decided to hit Toys R Us tonight after I picked him up from Preschool.

At first, he wanted to buy something for himself.

I will admit, I had to relent.  He DID take his Augmentin without a fit, so he got a small Thomas train to add to his collection.

Once I was able to refocus him, we were off!

First he picked out a Thomas Take Along set with the barn.

Then he decided skateboards were cool.  He picked out a Tinkerbell skateboard and a HotWheels skateboard. 

Over to the HotWheels sets he went...he decided on a Hot Wheels Shark Jump set...because Sharks were scary...and cool.

When we hit the girls section...my child decided that 'all the pink is making me cough'.

Yes...he said that...

Over and over.

'There's a lot of princess stuff mom.  The pink is making me cough'

'I don't like pink mom.  It's for girls.  It's making me cough'

I thought one fellow shopper was going to wet herself to keep from laughing hysterically.

But he did end up picking out an ultra cool electic guitar and piano...Buy One Get One Half Off!

I added everything up...and we were over $100 slightly.

I had a $10 coupon...

At the register, the clerk listened nicely as Kiddo exclaimed 'we bought presents for other boys and girls!' as he then proceeded to list them...

I don't think she believed me when I told her to leave them unbagged, I was dropping them all in the bin.

Checked out...pushed the buggy to the bin to do our drop off...

And as Kiddo and I were starting to unload and lift the items up and over...

"Mom!  I have to go Potty!  Now Mom!" as he starts the pee dance...crotch grabbing and all. 

I envisioned him puddling in the floor...Oh. Gawd. No.

I quickly hoist the rest of the presents into the bin...hoist him into the buggy and made a mad dash for the restrooms at the back of the store.

We made it in time.

Yay!

Reminder...pick up an extra toy during the Holidays and drop them in the Toys for Tots bin.  Make some child's Christmas morning a little brighter this year!

All the way in the back...

I ran into a fellow military spouse at the Commissary a few weeks ago.

Shocking I know...you NEVER run into military people at the Commissary...

We literally stood in the salad dressing aisle for nearly an hour...talking.

We look a lot alike...our kids are similar in 'illness disposition'....she's going to school to get her RN. 

We just hit it off.

She invited me to a Veteran's Day BBQ in her neighborhood.

I've been back and forth...

One...most Active Duty members have an 'eyeroll' mentality when it comes to National Guard.  Not all of them...just a lot that I have run into.

Two...I knew one person going, and I barely knew her.

Three...I knew one person going, and I barely knew her.

So I decided...What the hell?  If they were all crazy, then we would just leave.  If they were nice, Kiddo and I would have an evening out.

I made three dozen pepperoni rolls...

Dressed Kiddo in some layers since it was chilly as sin this evening.

We headed over.

The base is about twenty minutes from where I live.

I had the address...the GPS loaded it right up.

When I get to where the GPS gives you the little checkered flag...I was at ...NOTHING.

Middle of the road...literally.

Crap.

Turn around.

Circle back through the housing.

No streets with that name...I reload the address.

Back to the checkered flag in the middle of the road.

Shit.

I have three dozen pepperoni rolls to share.  I have a kid that is totally expecting a fun block party.

SHIT.

I drive to the main gate. 

Thankfully...this being a Holiday Weekend...there was no traffic.

So I ask the Gate Guard...where is this street?!

He looks at me funny as I explain I do not live on Base...I've never been to the house...my GPS was taking me to the middle of the road...

He gets out his map...and has me pull to the side.

And I wait.

And I consider offering him some pepperoni rolls...

And I wait some more...pretty sure he was running my license plate, or my ID...or whatever...

He finally comes back and explains since it is brand new housing...it won't show up...so I have to 'go all the way to the back of the new housing to the circle'.

I nod...and desperately try to look like I know what the hell he is talking about.  
Because I don't.

I go to the Commissary and the PX...sometimes Clothing and Sales...but I have only been in the housing area twice...and not this section...ever.

Shit.

He permits me a U-turn...and away I go...desperately trying to figure out where I am going...and kicking myself for no longer being overly OCD about directions and phone numbers.  I didn't have her number...only her Facebook...which apparently she doesn't check very often...

And we drive...and we drive...

Kiddo starts lamenting that we are lost and will never go home again...

I bribe him with a pepperoni roll.

He chews as I nod and duck and read signs...and keep driving.

Guess what...it WAS literally all the way in the back...at the end of the road...in a circle...with barricades and everything...and NOWHERE close to where the GPS kept putting me.

Haha!

We were warmly welcomed and had a great time.

Kiddo had a blast...and rode a tricycle up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down the street all evening.

We have a tricycle...he never rides it.

Let's think about it a little more...shall we?

Tattoos...

I have two.

You can't see them...and you never will.

I also have multiple piercings...one of which you WILL NEVER see...and is my own little secret.

But I just want to throw this out there to my Fellow Students and Future Competition in the Work Force:

PLEASE think about those jacked up ink monstrosities before you draw all over yourself.

PLEASE.

You are having to come to class encased in little bandaids and adhesive wrap to cover them. 

On the side of your neck...

Your hands...

Your arms...

Your writsts...

Your fingers...

Back of your neck...

Behind your ears...

Shit people....

Oh come on!

When did that seem like a good fucking idea?

Have you LOOKED at other people that you are going to work for?  What doctor's office have you been in that has a receptionist sporting an eyebrow piercing, a dermal stud and about five visible swirly tattoos...

Every been triaged by someone with four colors of hair and if you squeezed her hand you could write with the ink dripping out?

I am betting...out on a limb here...ZERO.

Really?

And stop getting pissed at the Instructor when she asks you to cover them up.

Holy hell people...you are going to have to figure it out sooner or later. 

Employers in the field we are in, are not going to be amused by you.

At all.

Ever.

Vent over...

Oh yeah...and stop telling me your Associate's Degree in Medical Assisting is better than my Bachelor's Degree.

Educate yourself on what it means.

I have the SAME CORE classes you have...I've already had English, Math, Social Sciences, Speech, Natural Science, Biology and Psychology.  I also have my degree classes. 

I am simply getting an extra skill diploma.  An Associates ON TOP of a Bachelor's is a waste of $10,000 in my humble opinion.  We are both going to get paid $9 an hour...no matter what.

It's not the degree sweetie...its the skill...and the professionalism.

Knock it off.